It is important for me to push the boundaries. The boundaries of littlegem, as well as my own. It has always been a focus of conversation when we check in with each other during after care, about how we see our dynamic.
In order to be effective I must get the balance right between the forceful side that she desires without taking it so far that it becomes too much. I myself have to be comfortable with what I’m doing, if I’m not then it’ll probably become noticeable. Our enjoyment comes off each other, therefore pushing the boundaries has to come from my own confidence. Gem trusts me to take her submission deeper.
Humiliation is one of these areas that I have been trying to explore, taking gem out of her comfort zone. To get her to squirm and know that I am in control. If it was impact play I would be comfortable slowly ratcheting up the sensations, pulling back if need be. But when it comes to pushing her in an emotional sense it becomes a bit more tricky. Everyone is individual and responds differently to stimuli. For example I know a ball gag can be liked by a sub, however gem hates it. So much that it is considered one of the worst punishments I can give her, much worse than washing her mouth out with soap. Even though I feel I know gem well enough to play to her emotional masochism needs, I can still be surprised so I must be careful.
We have worked on the way gem feels about her own body, taking photos and sharing them has been a great help. So I know that being the force behind that push isn’t as negative as it could sound. I continue to take her to the limit, last week by filming her as she masturbated. It was a punishment of sorts, she had removed herself from the ankle cuff at night without permission, therefore she needed to be taught a lesson about when to release.
The punishment needs to fit the crime and it was a bit tenuous but I wasn’t sure what else to do.
She had no idea of what was going to happen, and looked confused when I told her she was being punished while simultaneously being handed a wand. She was told to bring herself close to orgasm. It was at this point I got my phone out and began filming her. She didn’t like it, but that’s what makes a punishment.
I should point out she can say “red” at any time, even during punishment.
The idea was for her to edge herself not knowing when she’d be allowed to come, in some ways I didn’t know either. She would writhe at the slow-paced countdown that would allow her climax, groaning when it dared to go up instead of down. In the end she was finally allowed to climax.
Before play I think about the emotional side. I worry if I’m taking it too far. I run it through in my head, the sequence of events, the words I use, the positioning. It’s almost like I’m backstage before a performance and only I know the script. In my head it sounded great but as it gets nearer the time doubt begins to creep up on me.
Afterwards, even though everything went to plan thoughts don’t disappear. In this case it was:
‘You punished her by letting her orgasm? What kind of negative reinforcement is this?’
We talked. She assures me that it was effective, filming her as she gets off was exactly the sort of humiliation she needed. By pushing her boundaries I am also pushing myself, my doubts. Doing things different keeps it fresh and exciting.
“If you really wanted to punish me you could share the video, ” she says without really thinking. “I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
No, she shouldn’t.